No work without experience, and vice versa

If you've never been to the BBC jobs website, I recommend a visit. Go to the zone marked Select a BBC jobs category and choose programme making. It's instructive to see what opportunities are publicly advertised. Read the job descriptions and you get some sense of what staffers are expected to do and what experience they're expected to have in order to be considered for a position.

A kindly reader of this blog noted my comments yesterday about wanting to work as a TV drama script editor, and pointed out an opening at everlasting BBC medical drama Casualty. But a quick glance at the job description and pre-requisites soon revealed this - REQUIRED KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE: 1. Script editing experience. If you want to apply for a script editing job, you need to have experience of script editing. And how do you get experience? By working as a script editor. Catch-22, here we come.

There is a career path to securing that position. Several continuing drama series employ assistant script editors, where people can learn and hone the multiplicity of required skills on the job with the safety net of a more experienced script editor to guide them. But such positions are rare, and most often filled by those one stop further down the food chain: researchers.

Even getting a researcher gig ain't that easy. But there is another way in to be found on the BBC jobs site: work experience placements. The script departments at Casualty and Holby City both advertise placements, while BBC Films offers opportunities for those willing to work for free to get a foot in the door. So there are chances for those willing to make the effort.

Last but not least, some courses and training experiences may open the door to work. It's not unknown for people who take a script reading course with the Script Factory to be offered work as a consequence. The BBC has a Training and Development division, offering courses in a wide range of disciplines. Among these are a two-day introduction to script editing TV drama. Naturally, there's no guarantee paying to do this course will lead to anything and it ain't cheap [six hundred and ten pounds for two days!].

Even when a situation seems like a hopeless Catch-22, there are always possibilities. The only question is whether you've got the drive and tenacity to pursue those openings, no matter how many obstacles stand in your way. I've often seen persistence is the trump card that separates those who want a certain career and those who get it. Ask yourself, just how much do you want it?

Unexpected moment in Pushing Daisies 1.02

Having bought the British broadcast rights for the first season of US comedy drama Pushing Daisies, some genius decided to screen the show in primetime on Saturday night. Alas, they only had an eight-week slot, and the first season ran to nine episodes before getting curtailed by the writers' strike across the Atlantic.

So what did ITV do? Dump the second episode, and jump straight from 1.01 to 1.03. Missing out the second episode doesn't drastically effect anyone's enjoyment of the other episodes, but it's a cracking standalone that deserves to be seen. Since that don't look like happening for British viewers anytime soon, above you can see a clip of my favourite moment from that lost episode. Enjoy.

Halfway through 24 months, what progress?

A year ago today I blogged about five goals and objectives I would be pursuing over the next 24 months. Halfway through that duration, what progress have I made? It's time for a reality check, to see which of those goals are still important to me. Being self-employed, this is the closest I get to a performance review, so bear with me.

1. Complete my screenwriting MA. Yep, did that. Got a distinction in every module, attained a Master of Arts in Screenwriting with Distinction and won the Napier University Medal. Consider that box well and truly ticked off.

2. Build a portfolio of scripts showing my voice and range as a screenwriter. A year ago I had a 10-minuter that needed work, my much-loved 25-pager Danny's Toys and a TV pilot in need of several more drafts. Twelve months on, the 10-minuter still needs fixing, while Danny's Toys has undergone further polishing. My TV pilot did get the new drafts it needed, and I wrote another as the final project of my MA. I also added a 23-minuter as part of the TAPS continuing drama workshop, and wrote a trial script for a continuing drama series of similar length. So, some good work done there. However, I still need at least one [if not several] feature-length screenplays and my first TV pilot feels outdated.

3. Get an agent. Well, I tried. Got lots of agents to read my work, plenty of positive feedback but the scripts I sent out didn't excite enough to secure representation. Have set this quest to one side until I've secured further broadcast drama credits.

4. Have another radio play broadcast. Sigh. Waves of guilt overwhelm me when I read this. Have singularly failed to apply myself, good intentions, the road to hell and all that. Must do better. There's so much I can learn from radio drama, a medium where dialogue is king. Dialogue isn't my strongest suit, so radio is the perfect place to challenge that, push myself to improve. Must do better.

5. Secure work experience as a TV drama storyliner or script editor. This time last year it was looking hopeful. I had a very positive meeting with an executive producer, was due to attend a two-day storylining workshop and felt certain something would of this. In the end, not so much. Loved the workshop. Applied for a storylining job on Emmerdale and got invited to a one-day workshop in Leeds, but didn't get the gig. Nothing came of my very positive meeting either. Am having one more stab at this during the next twelve months but recognise I may simply be too old for entry level positions, compared to enthusiastic youngsters fresh from an arts degree.

So, a mixed bag when looking just at boxes ticket and goals achieved over the past year. But there have been other successes. Danny's Toys won an international screenwriting competition and was placed in another contest. I've made some incremental progress towards breaking into TV drama writing, but can't talk details yet [don't want to put the hex on it].

What else? Wrote my 19th novel, due out this November. Became a professional script reader. Appeared on a Radio 4 documentary. Saw my official history of iconic British comic 2000 AD finally published as a stonking big hardcover tome, to glowing reviews. My first professional published short story appeared in print. Taught classes in Norway, Edinburgh and at a V&A Museum in London. Recorded an appearance on a TV quiz show, although it hasn't been broadcast yet so I'm forbidden from saying anymore.

All in all, a varied year with lots of highs and a few frustrations. I grossed less money over the past twelve months than in any other year since 1991, yet feel happy with the improvement in my writing and am enjoying the progress I'm making in further my career into new areas. Onwards.

Waking the Dead tonight

Last year I had the good fortune to be mentored for several months by writer-director Adrian Mead, as part of a scheme run by the Scottish Book Trust. While he was offering me the benefit of his wisdom and experience, Adrian was also written a two-part story for BBC1 cold case crime drama Waking the Dead. Well, the first episode of that tale is broadcast from nine tonight, with the second half following tomorrow, also at 9pm on BBC1. Rehearsals mean I'll have to watch it on iPlayer, but I'm looking forward to seeing the finished show. If you're in tonight, why not give it a try?

Getting away from yourself

Over at Writing for Performance, the marvellous Robin Kelly has linked to a great online article which identifies ten different tendencies exhibited by the self-employed. The ten bosses are: the perfectionist, the ‘done is good enough’, the devil on your shoulder, the workhorse, the innovator, the technophile, the guilt-tripper, the workaholic, the scheduler and the friend. Read the article and then ask yourself, which inner-boss are you working for?

I certainly see aspects from many of these archetypes in my own natural behaviour. When I was writing my first few novels, I considered a single draft plenty. Worst still, I resented any suggestion that rewriting would improve the published book. That inherent need to finish and move on still exists, a 'skip to the end' tendency I've learned to ignore over nigh on eight years of freelancing. Meeting deadlines is a necessary discipline for the self-employed, but quality trumps quantity in the long run.

Three years ago my dissatisfaction with the fit-for-purpose mindset drove me to step back from becoming a fully fledged hack in favour of a better way. Just because something's your natural tendency, doesn't mean you can't do something else. I often find exercising a chore, and would prefer to be entertained than sweating and straining. But I know exercising is good for fitness and general wellbeing, so I try to get 40 minutes exercise three times a week.

Doing a screenwriting MA forced me to abandon my 'done is good enough' default setting. I now embrace rewriting, I'm eager to learn, to find the better way of telling a story - whatever the medium. I don't produce nearly as much work as I used to do three years ago, but I believe the work I do now is better. More quality, less quantity. I've stopped taking on too much work, desisted from snatching everything offered to me like a greedy child.

Of course, you have to find a balance between doing less but better work and just doing less work. With broadband and BBC iPlayer and all other manner of distractions, bunking off is always a temptation. But my guilt-tripper tendency doesn't allow that to happen too often. If nothing else, regular bills, standing orders and direct debits are motivation to get back to work.

The best motivation I've found is working on a story you love, the joy of tinkering with the different parts, finding how best to make it purr. My dad was a mechanic for years, and both my brothers are dab hands at things mechanical. Alas, that gift eluded me [although I used to have a knack at fixing photocopiers when I worked in an office]. My talents are better suited to finding what's wrong with a story, where the plot or characterisation is misfiring.

Of coure, that's easier done on somebody else's story than on one of my own, but if I give myself enough time to think - let my subconscious mull over the problem - a solution will emerge. It's amazing how often I fixed a story issue while taking a bath. Honestly, I should be taking three baths a day, I'd be rich by now, even if I did have fingers that permanently resembled prunes. Right, my inner schedule tells me it's seven o'clock time to move to the rest of the day. Onwards.

Official: Guillermo del Toro to direct 'Hobbit'

The long-rumoured belief is now official: Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth director Guillermo del Toro will helm a film adaptation of JRR Tolkein's The Hobbit. The announcement was made yesterday by the team that turned The Lord of the Rings into a multi-billion-dollar movie franchise. Peter Jackson and his team will work with del Toro to adapt The Hobbit, with a second film planned to cover the sixty years between that story and The Lord of the Rings.

Variety speculates the films will be released 2011 and 2012, with del Toro moving to New Zealand for four years to complete this mammoth project [once he's finished post-production on Hellboy 2]. The two films will be shot back to back in NZ, just as happened with the Rings trilogy. The involvement of del Toro had been rumoured for months, ever since New Line and Jackson settled a legal dispute over the smash hit trilogy.

When I was in New Zealand last month I paid a visit to Weta Workshops in Miramar - a suburb of the capital city Wellington now known as Wellywood for its plethora of filmmaking activities. One of the Weta team let slip del Toro had been in the previous week, touring the workshops and talking with Jackson about future projects. It didn't take a genius to figure out The Hobbit would be one of those projects. Frankly, I can't wait to see the results, such as fire-breathing dragon Smaug. Roll on 2011 and 2012.

Pining for the fiords, writer-style

Having been post a lot to this blog since I got back from holiday. Our local theatre workshop is staging a production of the musical Me and My Girl early next month, so that's swallowing a lot of my time, energy and headspace. I've got a lot of irons in a plethora of fires, but none of them are near the stage where I can blab about them publicly. Most probably won't come to fruition, so blogging about them feels both premature and stupid [never a winning combination].

Those that might well succeed involve non-disclosure orders and sundry omerta, prohibiting me from spilling the beans. Finally, my financial situation is somewhat taut at the moment, precluding me from signing up for various courses and workshops that might otherwise provide grist for my mill of burbling. All in all, I find myself with not a lot to say right now, at least not publicly - and I've never enjoyed blogs that indulge in coy self congratulations.

Crucially, I find myself missing the company of other writers. Doing an MA in screenwriting gave me an opportunity to mingle with scribes at various stages of their careers. Our triumphs were shared, our failures and frustrations lessened by being part of a loose collective larger than ourselves. We weren't a team, but there was a bond of sorts linking us. I miss that. Emails and phone calls are fine, but human contact means more when it's face to face.

I'm probably homesick for New Zealand too. I love going home, seeing my family and old friends. But the last few days of the trip have a creeping dread about them, because I know the visit is almost over. Getting back to the UK thrusts me back into the show and my various work pursuits and what have you, playing catch up for the weeks I missed while away on the other side of the world. But that's done, and now I find it harder to ignore the dull ache of absence.

Enough wallowing; self pity is never an attractive or interesting quality in a person, let alone in print. Better to focus on the way forward. Set myself some short-term goals for the next few weeks, some medium-term goals for the rest of 2008, and a few long-term objectives for 2009 and beyond. I've abandoned my quest for representation until I've gained at least one or two new credits. I got plenty of praise for my old work, but no offers from agents. So be it.

I've made some progress cracking one of my objectives, and am devoting several days a week to advancing that progress further. I desperately need to choose what my next spec script will be. I've got far too many ideas floating ahead my noggin, competing for attention. Better to pick one and set myself a deadline for completing the first draft. And I need to pull thumb and put some work into securing another radio drama commission. Most of all, I want to be writing.

All the spec work I've been doing, it's like trying to get orphans adopted. You send your story off into the big, bad world, hoping it will catch the eye of an editor or producer. Will they like it? Will they want to nurture the story, grow into an episode or a novel or a short film? If not, the unwanted orphan gets sent back to you and it's time to polish up another prospect. Something fresh-faced, aimed at 16-24 demographic. Something edgy, distinctive, original, daring, bold.

I don't mind pimp stories. It's part of the job, it's what I do - have mad ideas, turn them into speculative story pitches and cross my fingers. But all this pimping can wear you down. It's like an endless series of first dates that end badly, probably with a handshake instead of some passionate kissing and clinching. Every writer needs their work to get a fumble of approval now and again, don't they? Second base would be ace, steaming up car windows better.

Enough mixed metaphors. Time to see how tonight's duck leg casserole is coming along. Onwards.

Get the ending right, before starting the start

I've got a radio drama project I've been nurturing for years. The idea first came to me close to a decade ago, and it's been percolating away ever since. Much of that time was spent half-heartedly pulling together research material, no doubt an effort by my subconscious to delay ever actually starting work or committing anything to paper. Like quite a few writers, I suffer from the delusion that any story can be perfect - so long as I never actually write it.

The moment I try putting something down on paper, all the flaws become apparent and my perfect idea withers into an unsightly mess of stuff. Never let it out of my head and the immaculate conception of my imagination can remain just that - immaculate. Flawless. A thing of beauty. Of course, that's the path to procrastination, vacillation and never actually writing anything. Since I write for a living, that's not an option. For better or worse, writers write.

So why haven't I progressed my radio drama? Well, no deadline, for a start. I write well to deadline, but struggle to apply the same discipline on projects that remain purely speculative. In truth, that's probably just another crutch I use to avoid writing. I suspect my real problem with the radio play is I don't have an ending. I have my setting, my protagonist, my genre and an incident that gets the story started - but I don't know how it ends.

For me, this is unusual. I always know the ending. I've never written a story without first knowing how it finished. Partly this is born of the fact almost everything I've written has been to commission. To get the gigs, I had to know my endings up front. Some writers are journey of discovery scribes, people who start with an idea and see where it leads them. Me, I need a certain destination and a vague notion of how I'll get there. Without a destination, I'm lost.

So it is with my radio play. Find my ending, find my story. For me everything flows backwards from the endpoint. That's just the way I write. Fingers crossed I'll figure out how my radio drama ends eventually. Until then, guess I'll keep plugging away at other projects. One day my ending will come.

Who cares about the writers, right?

Caught the end of the BAFTA television awards last night. It always bemuses me that writers - the people without whom TV dramas and comedy wouldn't exist - don't merit a place at the ceremony. The trophy for best writing is instead presented at another ceremony next month, the BAFTA television craft awards. Who cares about the writers, right? In case you're interested, here are the nominees for best writing this year...

TONY MARCHANT – The Mark of Cain (Channel 4/Red Production Company)
JIMMY MCGOVERN – The Street (BBC One/Granada Productions)
STEVEN MOFFAT – Doctor Who (Blink) (BBC One/BBC Wales)
HEIDI THOMAS – Cranford (BBC One/BBC Drama Productions/WGBH Boston/Chestermead Ltd)

Crunching the numbers as a writer

How much you get paid for a piece of writing work can often seem entirely arbitrary. Some industries can be remarkably well paid, while others are so tightfisted only the truly committed [or those who don't the money] are willing to work there. The most lucrative commissions I've had stem from computer games development. Much like movies, if a computer game is a hit, it can generates vast incomes for the developers in little more than the blink of an eye.

Grand Theft Auto IV is due out soon, the latest in a series that has grown in popularity from the original release. Trade press are predicting it could gross hundreds of millions in one day, with a plague of sick days at workplaces worldwide as players roadtest the new game. Rare is the film franchise that earns more and improves in quality with each new release. But computer games can and do get better as a series progresses, thanks to advances in technology.

As a consequence, writing for games can be very well paid for writers. It's not easy to break into, and the treatment of writers ranges from first class to cattle class. All too often, writers are hired near the end of the development process. As a consequence, they find themselves acting as narrative paramedics, putting a band-aid over problems. Happily, that's changing. But writers largely remain dayworkers, not an integral part of the process.

Writing for comics can be rewarding too, simply because the time needed to write an issue or an episode of an established series isn't huge. If the arena has been set up properly, the world and its protagonist should naturally generate a steady stream of new stories. All you need do is tap that for inspiration and deliver the goods. Writing a thirty-page comic book is the work of a day or two, yet can pay a four-figure sum. Compare that to writing a novel.

The vast majority of novels don't sell enough to clear their advance, so fiction authors are writing for their fee. Many scribes are only getting a low four-figure sum for a new book with little prospect of royalties, yet they're pouring weeks, months, even years into the project. This raises a question: what's more important to you as a writer - what you get paid, or what you write? In an ideal world, we'd be writing masterpieces, not fretting about money.

But professional writers live in the real world, where bills need paying, mortgages must be kept up and food needs to be funded. Not every job a writer does will have a little piece of their sould buried deep inside it. Sometimes, a writing job is just a job. You try to avoid those situations, lest you become just another hack, churning out just another novel. Let's face it, if you don't take pride in your work, how can you expect anyone else to care?

All of this rambling stems from the fact I've just done my accounts. Last year I grossed the lowest amount I've made for 17 years. Despite the parlous state of my finances, I had one of my most rewarding years as a writer. Why? I was retraining, acquiring some of the skills I need for my quest to become a TV drama writer. I was learning new things, discovering stories locked inside my imagination I never thought I'd write. It's an exciting time, even if it isn't a rich one.

What's best: jam today, or future jam hopes?

Most writers will encounter rejection as often as they savour success. If you can't cope with having your hopes dashed on a regular basis, don't become a writer. If you're still determined to make a living as a scribe, become used to hearing the word 'no', putting your teeth back in and getting back on the metaphorical horse. However, sometimes you face the flipside of that situation - deciding whether or not you want to take on a job that's on offer to you.

Freelancers can find it hard to say no. Self-employment is an unstable lifestyle, where work oscillates between famine and flood [and your cashflow's an even more capricious commodity]. There's a natural tendency to grab every piece of work going, and worry about how you'll achieve it later. Better to know you've got work than turn one job down in the hope something comes on stream, runs the logic. But beware taking on too many assignments at once, lest you disappoint.

Freelancers who don't deliver soon get a bad reputation, and the flood of work that took on will become a trickle. Just as writers talk to each other, comparing notes, hints and tips, so do agents and editors and commissioners. It's a small world, made smaller still by mobile phones, email, texting, social networking groups and the like. Piss off one boss by focusing on work for another and you risk of blotting your copybook for good. Don't spread yourself too thin.

There are also times when you must decide what makes something a dealbreaker. For example, are you willing to take a fulltime job in an office, if it will advance your career? Are you willing to commute for that job? Are you willing to spend every working hour at that job, for little money but the hope of better working conditions? How much are you willing to sacrifice, and what is the tipping point between saying 'yes' and turning down certain employment?

For authors who work on franchise fiction, there can be a trade-off between the advance you get paid up front for writing a novel and whether you receive any royalties from that book if it sells well. One best-selling line of licensed novels used to pay royalties, but now authors are only guaranteed a flat fee and the possibility of a bonus if sales are strong. The flat fee is generous for the work involved, but the loss of royalties will irk some.

I've written novels where licensing issues meant all I got was a flat fee for my work. I knew it going in, and I signed a contract to that effect. It was my choice. I wanted to write the book, I needed the money and the terms were not going to budge - so be it. But wherever and whenever possible I will battle to improve the terms and conditions of any agreement I sign.

For another novel, I volunteered to get less money up front in exchange for the possibility of royalties later. The publisher made no bones about the fact they didn't expect the novel to sell enough to clear my advance and generate a royalty - so be it. I'd rather take less money and have the possibilities of royalties, than write a book for a flat fee. Why? For me, royalties are an incentive. A flat fee subliminally says this book is a job of work, no more and no less.

To secure new opportunities as a writer, you have to do a lot of speculative work. You want to get on a particular TV series? Write a great original script that showcases your abilities. Get somebody at the show to read it, and hope it touches a chord. But even then, you're unlikely to get an immediate commission. You'll probably be asked to do a trial script or some sample scenes. If that goes well, you might get asked to submit story ideas for the show.

All of that is speculative, unpaid work. You'll only see cash once formally commissioned, after you're jumped through all the hoops and signed a contract. I try to see a licensed fiction novel in much the same way. I'd rather get paid a much smaller advance and have hope, than get a fat flat fee and nothing more. Hell, I'm written non-fiction books for no advance, just royalties. That's backing yourself to do a good job. Give me jam tomorrow. I can wait.

If you're addicted to the UK Apprentice...

...you must watch this Lego Apprentice animation. Genius.

Guilty Pleasures: music mash-ups madness

Sofia's Diary leaps from Bebo to TV

Online teen drama Sofia's Diary is jumping from social networking site Bebo to digital channel Fiver, a new launch spun off British terrestrial channel Five. Broadcast reports the show will be screened in three-minute bursts each day, with a 30-minute omnibus once a fortnight. It's the first time a UK online drama has leapt to TV, following in the footsteps of shows such as quarterlife in the US.

That's got to be encouraging for anyone thinking of launching their own online drama as a stepping stone to TV. Of course, it's worth noting that Sofia's Diary was originated five years ago in Portugal, and the British version is owned by Sony Television. Still, if you want to know more about the project, visit the blog of writer Danny Stack. He's been involved with the UK incarnation and will hopefully be posting more about this exciting new development.

Guilty Pleasure: 'Baby It's You' by Promises

This song by Canadian group - and the lo-fi video that accompanied it - had a hypnotic effect on me around the onset of puberty. I suspect the female singer's assets were a significant factor, but the track is infectiously catchy too. Can I find it on iTunes or Limewire? Nope. An error of omission, methinks.

Is the waiting game patience, or solitude?

Much of your time as a freelance writer is spent waiting. Waiting for commissioning editors to read your idea, manuscript or screenplay. Waiting for them to make a decision, or waiting for somebody further up the food chain to make a decision. Waiting for the next meeting, the next response, the next email, the next phone call. Waiting, always waiting.

If you're not careful, all this waiting can drive you batshit albatross fishspanner barmy. Your wonderful idea, your deathless prose, your gripping script - all of them sat on somebody's desk, somebody's hard drive, gathering dust [or its digital equivalent]. And there's nothing you do about it. A friendly phone call or email enquiry every week or two, a gentle reminder nudge.

Get too persistent and you become that nutty, semi-stalking freelancer whom nobody wants to employ. Act too casual and you fret that those with the power to make things happen will decide you don't care. In truth, they almost certainly don't give a thought to your feelings or motivations. If the work's good enough, and you're someone with whom they want to work, little else matters to them.

So what do you do while waiting to stop yourself going albatross flange snarkwibble crazy? Write something else. Waiting to hear back about some TV submission? Don't wait for rejection or validation on a single project, get to work on the next one. Don't depend upon a single commissioning editor or producer for your writing future. Spread yourself about, put some new irons in some fresh fires.

When people say writing is a muscle that needs exercising, I tend to agree. For example, last week I wrote a pair of two-page pitches. One I'd been mulling over for more than a week. The other came from my files of newspaper clippings, articles that catch my eye as potential springboards for future projects. [Women's pages and photo-features in colour supplements are great for these.]

One took two days to write up, the other took a few hours. I gave both a polish and emailed them off. Woke up the next morning with a new idea already percolating in my cranium. By the time I'd scrambled down some notes, the title for yet another idea had popped into my imagination, bringing with it another complete story waiting to be caressed on to the page. Lovely jubbly.

So, if you're waiting for others to validate your work, don't. Write something else, something new. Keep your muscles working. Alternatively, phone up a writer friend for a chin wag. [What do you mean, you don't have any writer friends? Go get some. Now.] There's something so heartening as listening to the travails of another writer. We all struggle, we all battle, we all want to do our best.

BBC Drama Writers' Academy re-opens doors

The BBC has now opened applications for the 2008 intake to its Drama Writers' Academy. There are up to eight places available at the academy each year, giving the chosen few a fast-track into writing for flagship continuing drama series such as Holby City, EastEnders, Casualty and Doctors. Get your application in by May 12 if you want to be considered for this rare opportunity.

However, the selection criteria have been tightened. Last year you needed to supply written proof that you'd a television, radio drama or film (not student film) produced, or a theatre piece performed professionally - or be a graduate from a Skillset Approved Writing Course. This year the Skillset qualification isn't enough - you must have at least one of the professional writing credits named above.

I'm fortunate enough to have a BBC Radio drama credit to my name so I'm eligible, but some of my former classmates from the MA screenwriting course at Screen Academy Scotland are not so lucky. I've now got two questions to ponder: should I apply, and what script should I submit if I do? Decisions, decisions...

Joy Through Repetition on Lost

Sometimes a recurring motif, image or phrase that become the ultimate summary for a TV drama, such as David Caruso putting on his sunglasses just before the titles roll on CSI: Miami. Now somebody with waaaaay to much time on their hands has pieced together two minutes of madness from barmy US series Lost. Altogether now...

Cover art for Massacre in Marienburg revealed

My 19th novel, A MASSACRE IN MARIENBURG, will be published in November by Black Library. It's the second of a series set in the Warhammer universe that combines police procedural with fantasy warfare. The cover art for my novel has now been made public, so you can soak in all its gory glory. To see more of this artist's work, visit the Jeffster's profile on deviantART.

Photographs I Took On My NZ Holiday Pt. 1

THRILL-POWER OVERLOAD up for Eagle Award

My big book about iconic British comic 2000 AD has been nominated for an Eagle Award. THRILL-POWER OVERLOAD is one of five contenders for the accolade of Favourite Comics-Related Book, alongside Our Gods Were Spandex, Pulphope: The Art of Paul Hope, Reading Comics: How Graphic Novels Work and What They Mean, and Uno Tarino: The Latest Art of Ashley Wood.

The Eagles are Britain's longest-running and most prestigious awards for comics and creators, so it's an honour to be nominated. You can vote by going here. Should the urge take you to cast a vote for Favourite Comics-Related Book, scroll down to category 26. The winner will be announced at the Bristol Comics Festival next month.

What I Did On My Holidays

Day 1: Traveling. The plane from Edinburgh to London Heathrow was cancelled, but British Midlands had already put me on the previous flight. It eventually left Edinburgh 15 minutes after the scheduled departure of the flight I was meant to be on. Got to Heathrow, switched from Terminal 1 to 3, got on plane to Hong Kong. Soon afterwards some nutter climbed the fence at Heathrow, launching a security alert, but it didn't affect my departure. Phew.

Day 2: This was the Thursday I never had, it vanished en route to Hong Kong and Auckland.

Day 3: Arrived in Auckland to be blasted by the shock of actual sunshine. There'd been a hailstorm as I left the house in Scotland and temperatures close to zero; now it was 20+ degrees and scorching hot. Switched from international to domestic terminal, and got flight south to Christchurch. Meanwhile some nutter tried to hijack a bus at Auckland International Airport, but it didn't affect my departure. Phew.

Day 4: After a restful night in Christchurch [including a visit with old school pal Vincent and his family], got flight to Queenstown. Plane came in over the Remarkables mountain range; stunning scenery. No nutters went wild in either location. Phew.

Day 5: Begin the Milford Track, a legendary New Zealand hike that spans five days and four nights. Aside from the guides, I was the only Kiwi on New Zealand's most famous walk. Australians made up the largest group, closely followed by Japanese and Koreans. First day involved a coach, a boat and a short walk.

Day 6: Ten miles of walking, most of it easy going, notable mainly for blazing sunshine and stunning scenery. The Milford Track is renowned for the amount of rain it receives every year, so walkers are advised to carry thermal underwear, microfleeces as an intermediate layer, outer layer fleeces and waterpoof gear too. I carry it all, but don't need any of it.

Day 7: The most challenging day of the walk. Nine and a half miles, half of it going up the MacKinnon Pass, the rest coming down. Take forever coming down, making sure now to protect my dodgy knees and dubious ankles. Atop the pass is amazing, with just a light breeze and glorious sunshine.

Day 8: The longest day of the walk - 13.5 miles. Still exhausted from the previous day, serious discomfit from chafing in all the wrong places, but overjoyed to have finished intact. Wish I'd done more training. Still no sign of rain. Atop the MacKinnon Pass it's blowing a gale, vile weather - but it doesn't affect me. Phew.

Day 9: Last day on the Milford Track. Taken out by boat on Milford Sound. Day is overcast and gloomy but still a joy to be alive and not walking. Long coach ride back to Queenstown.

Day 10: Fly to Christchurch, pick up rental car, drive to Nelson at the top of the South Island. Spend the next five days staying with family I haven't seen for the best part of five years - a happy reunion.

Day 15: Drop off rental car, fly to Wellington, meet up with old friend for tour of New Zealand's capital. See a new play called Shoes at a venue called Bats; show was funny and heartfelt, thoroughly entertaining.

Day 16: Shopping in morning, followed by a business meeting in Miramar. Not sure if anything will come of it, but enjoyed putting my brain back into action for an hour.

Day 17: Get Overlander train from Wellington to Auckland; 12 hours of riding the rails. Was not accused of murder, no assassins tried to kill me but neither did I get seduced by Eve Marie Saint. These things balance out, I guess.

Day 18: Reacquaint myself with Auckland, the city where I grew up. It's changed hugely since I left in 1990; not sure I'll ever consider it home again. Went to see legendary NZ rock band Split Enz play the final gig of the reunion tour; brilliant show.

Day 19: More family reunions, including a first sighting of my latest nephew, Mister Rex [say the name quickly a few times, you'll get it].

Day 20: Had been staying an upscale hotel in downtown Auckland, where the toilet always smelled of Chinese cooking. Switched to an arty B&B in upscale suburb of Remuera. It's been glorious sunshine in every other part of the country, but Auckland persists with showers and overcast skies. Still over 20 degrees everyday, of course.

Day 21: Go mental shopping day. Bought a shirt that defies the eyes.

Day 22: More family reunions. Everybody's that bit older. Reunited with my two brothers, the banter flows freely, as if we've never been apart - despite the fact I've seen them for little more than a month over the past 18 years.

Day 23: The holiday ends at one minute to midnight, catching a plane from Auckland to Hong Kong. Time for a last family gathering, some of the world's best fish and chips from Al 'n' Pete's Takeaway and a glug of L&P. Sweet as, bro.

Day 24: Fly onwards from Hong Kong to Heathrow, then Heathrow to Edinburgh. Happily, the domestic flight is with British Midland again, so it avoids the Terminal 5 baggage fiasco. Arrive too late for book connecting flight, but get a seat on next plane to Edinburgh. Get taxi back home, arrive a few minutes after 9pm. Forecast for the weekend - snow. Phew.

Sometimes it Snows in April [2008 remix]

And we're back. Returned from three and a half glorious, sun-soaked weeks in New Zealand to find the UK engulfed in April snow showers. There's a curious symmetry at work there, since it was snowing the week of departure and a hailstorm accompanied me out to the taxi. Nice. Expect endless holiday snaps and rambling memories of my trip once I reconnected my brain stem. Thus far jet lag has been restricted to irregular sleep patterns and ravenous hunger at two in the morning. Now, time to unpack...