There's something inherently daft about advertisements for male shaving products. It's not just the profusion of extra blades on safety razors, although that's getting pretty silly. I could understand when going from one blade to two was considered a revolutionary act in that product field, but now some brands are up to five blades. Better than ever, the closest shave you ever had scream the hype-merchants. How many more blades can they fit on a safety razor? If five blades are so much better than four [or three, or two, or one], why not have 100 blades? A thousand?
Then there's the slogans and TV ads that accompany these breakthroughs in shaving technology. [Shaving technology? Give me a break. You're scraping whiskers of hair off a face, not solving cancer. Get over yourselves.] It's not enough for a safety razor to go a good job. No, now it has to be THE BEST A MAN CAN GET. See this square-jawed, bronzed Adonis of a man scraping whiskers off his face? You can be like this if you use our product. Be buff! Be tuff! Make bad guys yell enough!
Cue the inspirational music, so bombastic and over the top you'd think they were announcing applications had opened to become a freaking astronaut. Conquer space! Get any woman [or man] you want! Have facial so soft and smooth no sane human can resist your sheer animal magnetism! Conquer worlds! Achieve greatness! Obviously, they can't go with the truth: be less hairy after using our product. Try not to cut yourself. Use this and don't give your loved one stubble burn so much.
If you're wondering what's set off this diatribe, it's the world's most annoying pop-up add. Some genius at Microsoft redesigned Hotmail and, try as I might, I almost always have to get past an introductory screen to reach the contents of my inbox. That was vexing enough, but now this stupid arse drop-down ad for Gillette featuring Thierry Henry, Tiger Woods and Roger Federer appears from nowhere to cover the inbox button. Making it impossible to read my emails.
If I ever contemplated buying a Gillette product, this vexation has put me off the company's products FOR LIFE. Burn in hell, Gillette, and take you pissy ad with you. Thierry Henry I like, but Tiger Woods always looks like he's about to burst into tears [it's that weak chin and child from a velvet painting eyes], while Roger Federer I find slightly less appealing than a green potato. Sorry, ranting now. Time for my morning coffee. Will try to calm down before blogging again.