Am going to get a bit sweary in this rant, so look away now if you find bad language offensive. Really. Leave this blog. Go elsewhere. Move along, nothing to see. Right, here goes...
Why is STV run by such a sad bunch of fucking useless c***s? Why do they insist on using captive viewers as pawn for their stupid fucking power games with ITV? What purpose does it serve to turn their back on popular and beloved TV dramas series that you can watch anywhere else in the UK?
It started back in March this year when STV opted out of screening the third series of detective drama Lewis. I couldn't understand why the Scottish broadcaster would cease and desist this immensely popular show. So I emailed STV, hoping for news that Lewis would be shown at a later date, at a different time. [This happens with BBC Scotland, which displaces shows in favour of local content. Displaced, but not dismissed.]
Here's what I got back from STV: stv will not be showing the new series of Lewis. Throughout 2009, we plan to opt out of the ITV Network more frequently, taking control of our schedule and introducing more Scottish-produced programmes and acquired series that will hold wide appeal across the country. We will be rolling out more exciting stv programming initiatives in the next few months, which we hope you will enjoy.
Sounds interesting, at least. But the reality's been very different - a handful of local interest documentaries, some tired Scottish films getting their umpteenth repeat - and a load of cheap, imported shite. The America version of Cracker [made in 1997]! Sundry Irish cop dramas, all them at least five years old. And old episodes of South Park, dotted around the schedule like unexpected animal turds.
If it had just been Lewis, I would have huffed and puffed but soon gotten over it. [Each new series of Lewis gets a swift DVD release, so there was hope on the horizon.] But the opt-outs continued, even accelerated. The Bill gets a zingy new look relaunch? Not in areas north of the border served by STV [i.e. nearly all of Scotland]. New episodes of Marple? Nope. The Fixer? Nope. Blue Murder. Nope.
Tonight the new series of Doc Martin launches - but not on STV. Instead we're getting Roman Polanski's film The Pianist. Again. Very fucking Scottish, I'm sure. Plus it's split in half with a news bulletin, because that's always such a popular move with viewers. STV, you c***s. I want my fucking drama back! I want new shows, shows from this decade, at least - not any old shite you pick up cheap.
By now, anybody still reading this rant will be wondering why I don't watch ITV's London feed via Sky. Or Freeview. Or on cable. Because we can't get Sky [thanks to interference from trees over which we have no authority]. Because we can't get the Freeview signal. And cable doesn't extend outside most cities in Scotland. All we get is the FUCKING, COCK-SUCKING SHITE BETTER KNOWN AS S-PISS-T-POOR-V.
I hear the entire STV drama department has been laid off, including the wonderful Eric Coulter. So all that money STV is saving by opting out of ITV network shows? Certainly not being spent on new Scottish drama. You want new TV drama of any kind? Try a DVD instead. Watch the BBC. Watch iPlayer. Just don't bother watching STV. They can't be bothered showing any drama anymore. None worth watching, anyway. C***s.