Below you can read what I submitted. I've no idea if any of the writing is funny, but most of the facts are true.
DAVID BISHOP knows he is going to burn in Hell. His road to eternal torment started in Lent 1972, when he ate a family-sized pack of marshmallow ersatz Easter Eggs. Bishop's unhappy relationship with God [and Her representatives on Earth] worsened in 1975 when the precocious nine-year-old was caught in the convent school toilets by a nun with a stolen copy of Playboy. [Local authorities considered it a mercy that Bishop - and not the nun - had shoplifted the Playboy, otherwise the incident could not easily have been hushed up.]
Bishop's damnation was assured during a brief stint as an altar boy in 1979, when he regularly stole money from the collection plate [only large denomination notes, nothing less than a tenner.] Having realised his soul was destined for the fiery pits of Hades, Bishop knew there were only three career paths left to him in this life: politics, the law or being a writer. He now slings ink for a living, deciding that wrestling with his inner demons and the tyranny of the blank page are apt preparation for what lays ahead.
This lost soul could attend a comedy writing briefing in Glasgow on March 24th. The following Saturday has been set aside for breaking commandments three, seven and nine.