I know nothing about Clare Grogan's scar

Went through a lovely period not long after Christmas where my main email account was getting no spam at all. I almost felt aggrieved, as if I wasn't deemed worthy of spamming. Strange how the mind worked, how the longing for attention - even pointless, meaningless, timewasting attention - can twist your common sense. For better or worse [let's face it, worse], I'm back on the spam rota and getting a fistful of drivel every day from people who can't spell and lack imagination.

Nadeem Lutz [who thinks up these names? They could make a decent living selling them to writers in need of fresh, imaginative monikers for their characters] is apparently the proprietor of Sanity's softshop, whatever the hell that is. He's offering me Microsoft 2007 and Abode for only forty-nine dollars. No thanks, my version of Microsoft Office for Mac is still working fine and I don't need Adobe. [Gotta love Nadeem's email address too - anorexy at auburnsign dot com. Yeah, that inspires confidence.

Monica at idealbalanceinc is offering to SuperCharge my SexLife. Now, this sounds more interesting. According to Monica, I'll finally keep-her intrested allnight [spelling is Monica's, not mine, by the way]. Alas, Monica doesn't specify with whom I'll be sharing my SuperCharged SexLife. Let's hope it isn't somebody that's interested in spelling or punctuation, otherwise things could get a bit sticky. Then again, maybe that's the idea. Still, thanks for the offer, Monica - should I ever need to get my SexLife SuperCharged, you're the first person I'll contact.

Last but not least, Emilia Carey has a stock tip for me. Hmm, Emilia sounds like a respectable English name, she must be trustworthy. However, her email address doesn't inspire as much confidence: uhhshelve at ahtech dot com dot cn. Uhhshelve? Is Emilia sending out stock tips between allnight sessions of shelf stacking at some unspecified Canadia high-tech supermarket? Perhaps she should contact Monica and get her SexLife SuperCharged. The two of them could probably make a killing with faux lesbian porn on the internet - assuming they aren't already.

However, I do admire Emilia's surrealist sales technique. The subject heading for her stock tip message is 'by retina my respiratory' - and no, I don't know what it means either. Answers on the back of a lobster telephone to Tate Modern, Planet Earth. Her deconstructionist attitude to the English language continues in the email text when she informs me that 'ARSS has a nice fresh news, david!!' The comma was a classy touch, but writing like Borat doesn't jibe that well with your name, Emilia. Your choice of stock acronym leaves a little something to be desired as well. In my limited experiences, the average ARSS doesn't tend to go together with the words nice and fresh. Well, maybe in certain porn byways.

In other news, I still know nothing about Clare Grogan's scar or the unlikely urban myth about Shania Twain's wooden leg. Shania has been heard to sing that man, she feels like a woman. I'm guessing splinters are part of that feeling. Speaking of women, why does Whitney Houston sing a song exhorting everyone to Climb Every Woman? I suspect women prefer to be consulted first before being randomly climbed.