Sunday, July 09, 2006

Depp-Charged: Johnny saves Pirates sequel

I love movies, but don't often enjoy going to the cinema. It's not the films I go to see or the cinemas themselves that are the problem - everyone has a choice in such matters. It's the arseholes I invariably find myself sitting near. Self absorbed adolescents who are too busy showing off to their mates, shouting out their opinion about anything and everything, kicking the seats, phoning their mates, or wandering in and out of the cinema at least three times during the film. Ask them to desist and that only goads them to act even worse. [I know, I know, 25 years ago I was one of those pubescent arseholes - now I'm Victor Meldrew in training. Such is life.]

Your best hope is to chose films that'll never attract this sort of audience [something arthouse, something with subtitles, something guaranteed to depress even Ingmar Bergman], or stay away until popular films have passed their prime. Or simply wait for the DVD, as I tend to do. But a home cinema set-up is still not the same as a big screen experience, especially with a special effects blockbuster like Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. So we braved the outside world and went to see it yesterday in Edinburgh. Sure enough, three shits in need of a slap were behind us and did their best to ruin the film for everyone else.


As for the film itself? Some nice set pieces, some wry dialogue and a wonderfully performance by Johnny Depp saved this one for being a bit tiresome. The first PotC movie was much the same, but had the value of novelty. Dead Man's Chest repeated the formula, but without the novelty aspect. The film sags like a octagenarian's breasts when Depp isn't on screen, and lights up like a footballer's WAG with a new platinum card when he is doing his Keith Richards' imitation. Plotwise, it felt like an attempt to emulate The Empire Strikes Back, but without any hint of gravitas or consequences. Jack Sparrow ends the film trapped in carbonite - sorry, trapped inside a giant sea monster - while the rest of our heroes set off to rescue him. Let's hope to Grud there are no aquatic equivalent to Ewoks in the next PotC movie.

Not sure I'll bother going along for the third Pirates films next summer. The law of diminishing returns is kicking in, and the prospect of another cinema visit from hell doesn't hugely appeal either. Wake me up when it's out on DVD.


AndrewT said...

I always love going to the cinema at Ocean Terminal down in Leith, always quiet during the week. Frequently you can be the only ones there, or occasionally there will you and the guy on his own who has been to see the film 322 times.

Paul Scoones said...

We stopped going to the cinema late last year after a run of similar experiences with inconsiderate little shits who were determined to ruin the experience for everyone. Now we just wait for the DVD release and watch movies in the comfort of our own home.

Anonymous said...

I tell you who else can ruin the film for you. Inconsiderate shits who write things like "JACK SPARROW ENDS THE FILM TRAPPED INSIDE A GIANT SEA MONSTER". You know, I don't think I'll bother going now. Thanks.

David Bishop said...

Oh bugger, you're right. My apologies, I meant to put a spoiler warning in there but forgot. Have rectified the matter belatedly - sorry.

Anonymous said...

OK David I've calmed down now. You're not really an inconsiderate shit. Sorry.